Jokes

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Jokes

Postby dgdave » Mon Feb 12, 2007 5:24 pm

It's been a long time since I've heard a good joke. Let's hear your best one. Entertain me!
"The Gauge may be the best disc ever"
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Postby K-Dog 19 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 5:45 pm

Why did the Chicken cross the Road? :lol:














To get to they other side..Oh! Wait. Are you telling me you heard that one already? DARN! I just heard it today and I thought it was funny. :lol:
Once upon a time a Monster ran into a mob of Avengers, they attacked him with their pet Leopard, the Buzzz was all around the city that even the Wizards had to use ear plugs. :D
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Postby sleepy » Mon Feb 12, 2007 6:54 pm

This pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He can barely see the bartender because the large wooden wheel from his ship is tucked into the front of his pants.

The bartender says, "Ya know, I don't normally ask questions about you pirates, but I just have to say something. Don't you realize that you've got the wheel of your ship in your pants?!"

The pirate replies........












"Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

:mrgreen:

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Postby ferretdance03 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 8:00 pm

Did you hear about the two antennas that met on neighboring roofs? They hit it off and decided to get married. Attendants said that the ceremony was only so so, but the reception...out of this world!


A guy gets in a car wreck and ends up unconscious. After surgery, the doctor wakes him up and asks how he feels.
"Surprisingly, I feel alright."
The doctor quickly replies "Well I did amputate your left arm and leg."
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Postby dgdave » Mon Feb 12, 2007 8:09 pm

A penguin is driving and his car breaks down, so he drops it off at the garage. The mechanic tells him it'll be about an hour for an estimate. The penguin is hungry and goes to get something to eat and finishes it with a big bowl of ice cream. When he gets back the mechanic tells the penguin,"It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replise "Its ice cream. I swear!"
"The Gauge may be the best disc ever"
-dgdave

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Postby jmammo » Mon Feb 12, 2007 8:17 pm

dgdave wrote:Its ice cream. I swear!

I think we have all said that before, it may have been it your wife or mother when you where 15 but you said it. :lol:
Buy the ticket, take the ride

Too weird to live, to rare to die

You are my one and only Chicagooo
To dream in RED, to dream in WHITE
For you we all shout into the night
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Postby roadkill » Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:19 pm

To follow sleepy's pirate/bar theme:

A pirate walks into a bar. He has one pegleg and one hook where his hand used to be and he's also sporting an eyepatch. When he takes his seat at the bar a landlubber next to him can't help but inquire about his history on the high seas.

Landlubber: "Can I ask how ya got the pegleg?

Pirate: " I lost er when I fell overboard and a shark got ahold of me.

LL: Well how about the hook?

P: Well you see, I got my hand caught in the riggin of the sails and it ripped it clean off.

LL: And how did ya lose the eye?

P: A damn seagull took a crap and it hit me in the eye.

LL: What? A bird dropping made ya lose your eye? You couldn't just wipe it clean?

P: I tried. Unfortunately it happened just two days after I got me hook.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 10:45 pm

Rectum?!? Damn near killed 'em!


(one of the few jokes that can get by with just the punchline)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "You got bread?
Bartender: "No, we don't have bread."
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have bread."
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have any bread in here."
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have any bread. Are you deaf?"
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have bread, and if you ask one more time I'll nail your beak to the bar."
The duck: "You got nails?"
Bartender: "No"
The duck: "You got bread?"



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A baby seal walks into a club....
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Postby MDR_3000 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 10:49 pm

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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Postby Will » Mon Feb 12, 2007 11:53 pm

two guys walk into a bar....













third one ducks!!!


i know im corny :-(
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Postby MDR_3000 » Tue Feb 13, 2007 8:24 am

One day a man died and found himself in Hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said. "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, Wine, Vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The man was astounded. "Well, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke them all day."
"Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!"
"Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
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Postby Glock23 » Tue Feb 13, 2007 8:58 am

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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Postby K-Dog 19 » Tue Feb 13, 2007 9:31 am

[quote="Glock23"]Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."[/quote]

:lol:

That last part is the BEST!!!!
Once upon a time a Monster ran into a mob of Avengers, they attacked him with their pet Leopard, the Buzzz was all around the city that even the Wizards had to use ear plugs. :D
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Postby Will » Tue Feb 13, 2007 12:01 pm

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
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Postby roadkill » Tue Feb 13, 2007 1:05 pm

A guy is sitting in a bar enjoying a brew when two muscular dudes sit down nearby. After a few minutes he offers to tell them a great polock joke. The guy nearest him quickly stands up..... all six foot- nine of him.

"Hey buddy I happen to be polish and I am also a fifth degree black belt in both karate and judo. Not only that, but my buddy here is the reigning kick-boxing champion of Poland. You still want to tell your joke now?"

"Nah, it's a great joke but I don't have all afternoon to explain the punchline to you."
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