Jokes

[MR. WICK]

A big alien and little alien crash their flying saucer in a field somewhere.
They start walking toward what they think is civilization. The first thing they come to is a gas station in the middle of nowhere. The big alien walks right up to one of the gas pumps, draws his phaser gun and says "take me to your leader". Of course the gas pump does not respond. The big alien makes a second attempt "take me to your leader or I'll blast you." At this point the little alien is getting a little concerned. He says "I'm telling you leave this guy alone...lets move on. I've got a bad feeling about this." This makes the big alien angry and he says "this is your last warning take me to your leader or I'll blast you." No responce. The big alien draws the phaser gun and BAM shoots the gas pump and they get blown all the way back to the ship. A little shaken up the big alien says to the little alien "how did you know not to mess with that guy??" The little alien replies "Never mess with anyone that wraps their dick over their shoulder and sticks it in their ear."

[kvanorsdel]

So this little old lady goes into her neighborhood grocery store and asks the produce manager "Do you have any broccoli ?" the manger tells her "I'm sorry we don't, Broccoli isn't in season yet." SO the lady leaves. The next day the little old lady comes in again and asks the store manager "Do you have any Broccoli?" and the manager tells her again "I'm sorry we don't, Broccoli isn't in season yet." So the lady leaves. This goes on every day for the following week and then the little old lady comes into the store again and finds the produce manager and asks "Do you have any broccoli?" so the manager takes the little old lady over to the display of strawberries and asks her "If you take the straw out of strawberries what do you get?" the lady replies "Berries" "Good" say the manager and walks her over to the display of rasberries "If you take the ras out of rasberries what do you get?" The lady replies "Berries", "Good" says the manager and walks her over to the blueberry display. "If you take the blue out of blue berries what do you get?" and the little old lady replies "Berries" "OK" says the manager "If you take the F out of Broccoli what do you get?" and the lady looks at the manager and says "There's no F in Broccoli" and the manager says "you're right lady there is No F in Broccoli"


This is my moms favorite joke

[PeterM_Vang]

I love this one.

A guy wins the lottery and runs home to tell his wife. He says to his wife,"PACK YOUR BAGS HONEY, I JUST WON THE LOTTERY". His wife asks, "Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?". He replies, "I DON'T CARE, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!". HAHAHA

[roadkill]

I love this one.

A guy wins the lottery and runs home to tell his wife. He says to his wife,"PACK YOUR BAGS HONEY, I JUST WON THE LOTTERY". His wife asks, "Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?". He replies, "I DON'T CARE, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!". HAHAHA

Yep, that's a classic!

[MDR_3000]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom partment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[Will]

that draws a tear to my eye. rofl

[lefty]

A man walks into a pet store looking for a parrot. Right in front of the store there is a parrot that says "welcome to the store, feel free to look around". The man is amazed at the vocabulary the bird has. He goes and talks to the manager to get a price on the bird. The manager says, "did you notice he has no feet". the guy says "no, I hadn't. How does he stay on his perch?" Manager tells him he wraps dick around it and holds tight. The guy dosen't really care that the parrot has no feet and, so he buys the parrot and takes him home. The man loves his new parrot, and they have long conversations about this and that. One day he comes home from work and the parrot calls him over and says "we need to talk".guy says "sure buddy, whats up". Parrot says "well, while you were at work, the milk man came by, and yer wife asked him in". "yea, yea", the guy replies. The parrot continues,"well they started getting kinda friendly. He took off her shirt, and she undid his pants. Then her dress went flying, and shoes and socks were flying all over the place and they started rolling on the floor, it was getting pretty steamy." "yea, what happened after that", the guy asks. Parrot says "beats the shit out of me, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[roadkill]

Okay lefty, I got a parrot story also.

A wife goes shopping for a birthday present for her husband. When she can't decide on anything she decides to browse through a pet shop. While in the pet shop she notices a beautiful, exotic parrot with beautiful feathers sitting in an attractive cage. When she asks the price of the bird she is amazed the store owner only wants $10 for the bird, cage included. "He lived in a whorehouse dowtown for several years and has picked up a few racy words, so we're letting him go for cheap", the storeclerk explained.

When the wife brings the parrot home she proudly sets the cage in the living room. The bird says "new house, new madam, rrawwkkk!" She shrugs her shoulders, "oh well, he's still a beautiful bird." When the wife shows the bird to her daughters the bird exclaims " new house, new madam, new ladies, rrawwkk!" They all giggle and anticipate the birthday boy's arrival.

When the husband walks in the door the wife rushes him into the living room to show off the surprise gift. The bird looks at the husband and says " Oh, hi Bob!"

[redspexxx]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
*
*
*
*
**
*
*
*
*
*
**
*
*
*


The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[roadkill]

Three middle aged men are playing a round of golf. When they make the turn after the ninth hole, one of the men stops at the clubhouse to use the restroom while the other two head for the tenth tee.

While waiting these two begin discussing their sons. "My son has been doing great for himself. After landing a consulting job in the aerospace industry he not only bought a luxury condo for himself but bought a brand-new Porsche Carrera for his friend," the first man boasted.
"You think that's something, since my son was promoted at his law firm he bought his friend a luxury apartment in a swanky part of town," the second man retorted.

Just about then the third man joins the group.

"Hey we were just talking about our sons, so tell us how's your boy been?"

"Well I have to admit me and the wife weren't too keen to find out our son was gay and unemployed, but he's doing pretty well considering he lives in a great apartment and drives a brand-new Porsche!"