we were at target and i needed some simple stuff... shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant.
simple, eh? not really. they had the brand of deodorant i used, but only two types. solid unscented and gel unscented. wtf... they had a really good scented selection of hydro-solids that seemingly no longer exist. stops at wal-mart, wallgreens, 2 major grocery store chains, and a small pharmacy yielded nothing except for unscented versions of that brand. (on a side note, i found some of the scented hydro solid today at a CVS and i bought all 5 sticks they had in stock)
next item, toothpaste. target didn't have my fav toothpaste. nor did they have my 2nd fav. nor my 3rd fav... nor my 4th fav... nor the one that every place usually has and is good enough. i found 1874 kinds of whitening toothpaste, and 2 kinds of tartar control toothpaste (both of which taste crappy). last i checked, in adults, tartar = the #1 cause of cavities... so like... it's more important to have white rotting teeth, than 3 shades less white but cavity free teeth? wtf.
third item, shampoo. target had my brand of shampoo on sale... and about 3829048320432 different kinds. best part about it, the one i use is now discontinued and has been phased out and not replaced. i did find it amusing that that brand now has hispanic shampoo (it actually says that on the front) but i can't get some f'n extra moisturizing shampoo? wtf.
getting to the point of this story. i was kinda pissy and hungry by the time we left target, so i was like "wow, i could really go for some stuffed nachos right now." we stopped by 2 grocery stores only to find those had been discontinued... not only that, but they are eliminating flavors of pizza rolls now too... it's like, i go out of my way to stop eating processed to hell junk food, only to find that when i really want it, the kind i really want no longer exists... wtf?
my gf was actually shocked that i didn't believe there was some big conspiracy against me but she also asked me to make a list of stuff i used that was discontinued.
the most fun is going over every snack food you ever dug that they took away from you (try having this conversation w/ anyone aged 25+ and you'll get a good response).
my top 10:
1) jello pudding pops. best popcicle-styled snack of all time hands down. eskimo pie and kemps have created wanna-be pudding pops, but they lack the thin ice shell that you had to melt through to get to the pudding and if you bit down on it before you melted it all the way it crunched a little. yah, you all know wtf i mean. i haven't had a pudding pop since 1991 and that pisses me off. i swear the coz is to blame. kawzby family misteries II: wtf are my pudding pops.
2) keebler krunch twists. these were like some nasty-azz fried corn things... but goddam they were good. these snacks rate off the bugle scale (the bugle scale = a snack that is so addictive that if you eat like 2, you will sit there and eat the entire bag, even if you aren't even hungry) and i haven't had one since 1988. wtf.
3) tidal wave gum. this gum was actually pretty f'n nasty, but if you saw the commercial and were under the age of 13, you absolutely, positively had to have some of this gum. the flavor was gone in like 8 seconds, the slime on the inside was total crap, but seriously, i kinda want some right now.
4) totino's stuffed nachos. sometimes you are hungry enough that you are willing to eat orphanage-grade processed meat and "cheese" that probably came out of a large can because it could be made in under 8 minutes in the toaster oven. for a long time, pizza rolls were the only void-fillers here, but the tortilla-based triangular companion snack that showed up in the late 90's was like... better. pizza rolls could be lunch. stuffed nachos could be like... 2am... damn i'm hungry... pizza delivery place is closed... nachos sound kinda good but 7-11 is like 4 blocks away... stuffed nachos it is.
5) BBQ or ranch flavored pringles right crisps. the "low fat" pre-olestra version of light pringles that only had a minute 6 grams of fat in like 8 chips but tasted better because they were much less greasy in their cell mutating processed goodness. right crisps are the only pringles i can stand to eat... but i can't stand them in sour cream & onion or plain. guess which two flavors are still in production. bastids.
6) wahooz. i never would have purchased these had they not been on sale at safeway for 2 3 lb bags for $5. i've never had a snack that tasted more disgusting but had enough addictive chemicals in them to make your hands shake. these re-defined the bugles scale. i remember bringing a bag of em to my friend's dorm social room and passing the bag around... my friend grabs a handful and tosses it in his mouth "ugh, these are disgusting..." about 10 seconds later he took another handful.
7) sport shake (original formula). these may still exist in some form, but seriously, like... if i were to be at a time out in a bball game and slammed one of these i think i would throw up. however, when you are 10 min late for work and haven't had breakfast and want something that will give you only mild gut rot but still some impression of being full, a sport shake is/was the way to go.
honeycomb mini license plates. so yah, these aren't really a snack food, and the cereal gods already appeased me by bringing back strawberry honeycomb and frankenberry, which were two cereals that i don't eat, nor did i eat them when they had them in the early 80's, but i always seemed to want to eat them when they were no longer available... the honeycomb mini license plates were like the coolest thing i ever got out of a cereal box when i was 5.
9) nabisco veggie thins crackers. when i was growing up i never really liked veggies (mainly i coudln't eat how many of them are prepared)... but i always dug this cracker. the other day i was jonesin for some and discovered they no longer exist, and i was like, wtf.
10) turkey on a stick (from the grocery store deli). a fried slab of processed, pressed turkey chunks breaded, deep fried, and put on a stick. i miss these for sentimental reasons... ridin around underneath the grocery cart in the era of returnable glass bottles. these were only kinda good (nowadays they'd probably seem super nasty), they weren't filling, they were horrible for you, but when you haven't had one since 1989 and the thought of them makes you smile you kinda do want them, no matter how unfulfilling they may be.
honorable mention: keebler o'boises chips, nabisco twigs, all sport (carbonated sports drink + allergies = something to cut the mucus when you start sneezing your azz off during a tournament and still do something that resembles hydration)
items they discontinued but brought back: magic shell, strawberry honeycomb, smart food white cheddar popcorn, tato skins (but you have to be at a gas station in BFE to actually find em), reese's pieces (they got discontinued briefly in the post-E.T. era but returned)
items you say you wish they brought back for nostalgic value or because it would be funny but honestly you are glad they are gone (because they were nasty): mr. t cereal, crystal pepsi/tab clear, ice cream cones cereal, fun fruits, purplesaurus rex kool-aid
