Ask Hawk

[HawkGammon]

Do you pronounce "hawk" as in cock or caulk?

Dave,

Yes. It depends on your regional dialect.

YDGH

[HawkGammon]

first time caller, long time listener....

do you have any tourney stamped polecats?

TiM,

I'm checking my inventory...



...no tourney stamps yet, just some really bad tattoos. The staff will keep looking and we'll get back to you.

YDGH

[HawkGammon]

Mega dittos, Hawk.

Who do you support in the Republican primaries and why?

Dig,

It's tough to get excited by anyone in that group:

Ron Paul...your crazy uncle you have to deal with each Thanksgiving.
Newt Gingrich...more baggage than the cargo hold of a 747, looks like the Michelin man, and his previous mistress/current wife/future ex-wife looks way to Stepfordish and smiles like the Joker
Mitt Romney...still convinced he's a robot
Rick Santorum...he's wearing a sweater vest...seriously it's a sweater vest!

Michelle Bachmann at least had the crazy eyes going for her. It could be the best night of your life...if you survive it!

YDGH

[HawkGammon]

I know Astroglide is for noobs, but do you recommend Vaseline, KY, or spit?

Ray,

Vaseline is so you broke into the medicine cabinet in the prison medical room. Spit? You see that in porn and go...ummmm...next! KY and Astro are essentially the same. I generally go with Astro as you can tell her your an Astronaut as you explore new distant spaces together. Spacesuit always highly recommended.

YDGH

[HawkGammon]

Why are you named after a bird?

Spot,

Are you familiar with the author Robert B. Parker? Have you ever read any of his Spenser novels? The name comes from a character in those books.



YDGH

[HawkGammon]

have you heard?

Trif,

No, but the Mavs game is playing in the background, so that might be part of the problem.

YDGH

[HawkGammon]

This thread sucks. Come back OP.

Maybe we came on too strong?

Dig,

I've heard better lines at Bare Bones during a Tuesday night happy hour when the ladies from the real estate office roll in.

YDGH

[sunspot]

Why are you named after a bird?

Spot,

Are you familiar with the author Robert B. Parker? Have you ever read any of his Spenser novels? The name comes from a character in those books.



YDGH

So, you're a black guy who wears shades while inside? Keep pimpin that pinky ring.

[St.Ray]

first time caller, long time listener....

do you have any tourney stamped polecats?

TiM,

I'm checking my inventory...



...no tourney stamps yet, just some really bad tattoos. The staff will keep looking and we'll get back to you.

YDGH

How the hell did this floor get so damned uneven?

[Junksoap]

Heya Hawk-

My boss recently has been complaining about my track marks. He says they're bad for business, but he's a fucking pussy that watches SciFi Channel and shit anyways.

My question is, what's the best way to shoot between the toes? It's so freakin' awkward, and I'm not the most flexible guy to begin with.

Thanks in advance,

JS

Junk,

Yoga will be your friend.

YDGH

Dearest Hawk,

I see you're one of those SciFi/Starwars/Trekkie fags, too....geez.

Okay, I'll give you one last shot before I go back to Ask Amy.

Recently, I was trying to piss on this bitch's boobs, and all I got was this dry burning feeling before coming up empty. What gives? The bondage catheters? Dehydration? Something else? And how can I get back to my frothy best?

Yours truly,

Sere Junky

[Frank Delicious]

Hey Hawk,

Hows it going? Do you post on here drunk? Can you?

thanks,

Tipsy in Tallahassee

[BrotherDave]

Hey Hawk,

Which is a better offense and why, the UCLA high post or the Triangle?

[jubuttib]

So, you're a black guy who wears shades while inside? Keep pimpin that pinky ring.

Who knows, might be an engineer.

[HawkGammon]

Dearest Hawk,

I see you're one of those SciFi/Starwars/Trekkie fags, too....geez.

Okay, I'll give you one last shot before I go back to Ask Amy.

Recently, I was trying to piss on this bitch's boobs, and all I got was this dry burning feeling before coming up empty. What gives? The bondage catheters? Dehydration? Something else? And how can I get back to my frothy best?

Yours truly,

Sere Junky

Junky,

I'm not sure why you would be trying to urinate on a woman's breasts. Everyone knows the best money shots land on the face. Begin monitoring the color of what little urine you can generate. Clear is best. Pale yellow is an indicator of beginning dehydration. Golden means you've been lost in the Mojave for about two days and are near death. If you are unsure where you are on the color wheel ask a friend to help you evaluate. The downside to this is the potential social awkwardness of doing this. Personally I down about a gallon and a half of water a day. This has two benefits: 1. my pipes are whistling clean 2. at work I'm taking a bathroom break every 90 minutes.

YDGH

[HawkGammon]

Hey Hawk,

Hows it going? Do you post on here drunk? Can you?

thanks,

Tipsy in Tallahassee

Tipsy,

Things are swell. I don't drink so I'm prepared to take and pass any law enforcement sobriety test anywhere/anytime. Reviewing the board; while drunk posting may or may not be going on, inebriated reading would likely be a positive step forward.

YDGH