It was 2009 and I was in the military. I was Temporary Additional Duty (TAD) to Transition Assistance Program(TAP) Class. They call it TAD because you spend your days at the class and then come back to the ship to work the afternoon and stay overnight if you have duty that day. I had duty the day before and they wouldn't let me leave the ship early that morning, even though they knew I had to leave to get to my class. My options were skip breakfast and get to class on time, eat on the ship, or eat breakfast off ship and be late. Like a dumb shit I decided to eat breakfast on the ship because I had been on watch during dinner the night before, was starving and didn't want to get yelled at when I got back to the ship for being late to TAP Class. Also it's important to know you go to this class in civilian clothes.
I knew ship food would give me terrible diarrhea, but I thought I'd at least have enough time to get to my class before I shit myself. I was walking from my ship to the class and half way is a McDonalds with a public bathroom, I made it a third the way to that McDonalds and knew I was in trouble. Cold sweats, stomach cramps, odd noises... the whole shebangabang. Turns out everybody I'd ever known in my life was going to be on that sidewalk and want to ask me what I'm learning at TAP and if I was excited to be getting out of the military. I ended up sprinting to that bathroom and made it in... but some dickhead was already using the only toilet. I knew there was a trash can in there and asked for it while taking off my pants but was a split second too late. The first squirts were in my pants, then on the floor but hey, most of it made it into the trash can. Luckily I had a backpack with 2 extra changes of civilian clothes. I eventually got into that stall and cleaned myself up, threw away my shit on underwear/pants and changed my clothes. The dickhead who was in the toilet went and ratted me to the McDonalds staff, so I got to clean up the bathroom before I left. Oh, and I was late to class, they told my command and I got yelled at.
Fuck The Navy (FTN)
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