Parenting

[Fritz]

I'm at my wits end. You can tell cause I'm venting on a DG site. My 10 yr old son cannot listen and blames everything that happens on someone/something else and I have no idea what to do and haven gotten any advice from anyone that works. There's more than that stuff, but no need to get into the nitty gritty. I've tried every type of punishment and positive reinforcement I can think of with him and nothing works. I know part of it is him getting spoiled when he was little because he was the first kid the wife and I had an the first on either side. He just has no responsibility and little caring for anyone else when it doesn't involve him benefiting in some way. It's been going on for a few years, even before my wife and I talked about having a second kid. He acts just like my brother in law which isn't a good thing.

I'm really just venting because I want to I guess. Blah

This works great. Love and Logic series, by the Love and Logic institute
http://www.loveandlogic.com
Foster Cline is the Author also Charles Fay is the other Author and main speaker.

[Parks]

Dave,
Behavior modification for kids with behavior issues is what I did for a living for 6 years. the one thing that you have going for you is that he is only 10. As kids get older it gets harder and harder to affect change in the behaviors. I would only let a doctor prescribe medication as a last resort. I do believe as working stiff does that diet has a huge relationship with behavior. I worked with a psychologist that specialized in ADHD and the first thing he had parents do before anything else was to give the kid double the dose of a childrens vitamin for a month and then come back and see him. In 60% of the cases this completely solved the issues that they were having. Also, like WS said, sugar has a dramatic effect on body chemistry creating dramatic fluctuations in a kids state, from high to low. I would limit sugar intake as well.

As far as behavior modification goes there are a couple of things that we always started with when we go a new client. A concrete and written behavior contract. Your son can be a part of creating this if he wants to participate and feel like he had a role in the expectations and consequences. Write a clear and concise list of behaviors that are expected and are acceptable, a list of unacceptable behaviors and then a clearly defined set of consequences for not following this contract. EVERY instance of violating the behavior contract needs to met with one of the consequences no matter what. Our kids know how to push their parents buttons and will always test when they think there is an opportunity to get away with something (parents are tired, stressed, sick, etc.). Post the contract on the wall poster size so there is no question what is expected, there is no saying I forgot by the child.

You can pair this with a visible chart on the wall that shows anything behaviors they did wrong that week but also behaviors they did well that week. This is a real concrete way for you and your son to chart his progress. The chart can have rewards that can be earned for not exceeding a certain number of behavior violations. This adds in an aspect of positive reinforcement that helps reinforce the desired behaviors.

You want all of this to be non confrontational, no yelling, getting mad, or anything like that. Refer to the contract, state that he knew what the expected behaviors were and what the consequences were and he did not live up to that. clearly tell him what the consequence of that violation are and start with it immediately. Consequences should have a defined period, that is to say what has to be done to have it lifted.

I am also a fan of if the behavior contract is not working that great you take EVERYTHING that child has away and they have to earn it back. When I say everything I mean strip their room bare to the walls and lock their stuff up where they cant get it. We as parents are required by law not to mentally or physically abuse our kids, provide food and shelter, and get them to school. Everything we do for them is because we love them and they deserve it. Sometimes kids with behavior issues need to be slapped with how good they have it and how much parents do for them that can be taken away.

These things usually have a solid effect at correcting behavior and can be re-instituted if their behavior starts to regress.

If being a good parent is that hard, then I'd just say fuck it and let the kid run amok.

[JHern]

I have a teen stepchild, and I've seen all this stuff come to pass, and go. I've also seen how parents want to fight so hard against the natural course of adolescence, which generally involves your kid turning into a total asshole at some point in time, and it may last for some years. IMHO, there isn't a great deal you can do about it, except to do your part to ensure that their behavior doesn't severely downgrade everyone else's quality of life. You already have seen how a kid's personality is inherited at conception...in many ways, they just are who they are, from the day they're born. These bad phases are part of the process of growing up. Some kids go through it early, some late. But it will end, eventually.

[cfair]

Not bad stuff in here. I'm going to do my best not to pretend I know what I'm talking about. I have a lot of friends in the counciling and psychology world. I've even been told I should go into it myself. But I've seen the gamut of cases and the one thing I wonder about you Dave is who do you go to talk to? Not to get advice from but a close friend who will actually just listen to you instead of giving some knee jerk shallow advice or someone who isn't going to be a know it all problem solver. A friend who will actually just sit with you over one tasty beer and let you be where you are at in your frustration?

[cfair]

Not bad stuff in here. I'm going to do my best not to pretend I know what I'm talking about. I have a lot of friends in the counciling and psychology world. I've even been told I should go into it myself. But I've seen the gamut of cases and the one thing I wonder about you Dave is who do you go to talk to? Not to get advice from but a close friend who will actually just listen to you instead of giving some knee jerk shallow advice or someone who isn't going to be a know it all problem solver. A friend who will actually just sit with you over one tasty beer and let you be where you are at in your frustration?

[JR]

10 year olds have a short attention span. Naughty chair for 10 minutes immediately after an action that has been listed as unacceptable. As long as he serves the ten minutes and apologizes. Immediacy is needed for making the connection between cause (misbehaving) and effect (getting even more bored sitting in a chair not being allowed to leave. You bet your ass he will try to leave and for hours on end at first. I think the 5 months of empty room effect dissipated once he got his stuff back. You can remind him of who's in charge and why it was done and start doing it in steps again if he does not believe you. You can tell him that it is a non issue for you to remove his stuff because it's nothing away from you but it is something away from him. But it is a warning. Warnings go unheeded often so you may need to demonstrate you (both parents) mean business and remove one item after the first warning. Then tell him what did he expect? That you won't take action. Because you need to.

It was known in the antique that allowing one crime opens the door for committing the next 1000. Your son should know that what goes around comes around and that you love him and will stop him from getting hurt by teaching him to behave socially acceptably. Not because he likes it or not and the same goes for you -but because it is your job as a parent to set him straight to avoid him being torn to pieces for being a criminal. Too many think that taking up arms does not result in getting return air mail. Attack others and you get 7 billion people defending themselves. Does your son feel lucky? One against all and all against one sounds like a losing plan for life. This is for a sane person. Who knows what lies behind so a diagnosis would be good because it will change how the issues should be handled. Some wannabe gangstas with bloated image of how tough and dangerous they are will only be worse for thinking of the previous stuff. The pathology of a narcissist takes reality as a challenge if they have decided that they are leeches. They just get more greedy and opportunistic after realizing better how much resistance they are gonna encounter. They train to be even worse offenders. That is why knowing what the background is so crucial. There are probably nannies and camps for kids that misbehave. A long term professional observation and intervention may identify what is going on better than seeing counselors for a while.

Smart and bores easily? Idle hands are the devils hands. If he is just not getting enough to do to dissipate energy getting him to move may help. Kids need action, moving and activities to hold interest and divert away attention from doing mischief. Sitting down ain't for everyone. Smart? Intellectual challenges too may be good for the same reasons. Company can be crucial so if he hangs out with dicks he should be removed from those influences.

[hegemony]

General question here... I'm in no way suggesting that this is going to solve some of the issues you guys are bringing up.

Have you had any luck with making the child tell you what they did wrong, why it's wrong, why they did it, how the other person(s) in the situation was affected, etc. instead of you telling them?

I've seen this done with children as young as 3-4.

[Parks]

Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

[Prerube]

This is actually where i think public schooling does kids good. Perhaps give him time, stay consistent, and allow the other children in his class to course correct him. If hes clever he'll figure out why no one wants to play with him since hes always blame shifting.

Kids now know there is nothing a teacher can do besides send them home to their video games. As a teacher we are told to ignore numerous behaviors, over look foul language, and choose your battles. Kids run the show.

Here is some hope for you: many of our worst behaved 10 year olds have become some of our top 12 year olds, all it takes is a sudden interest in the right girl and a problem child will turn into class president in under 2 years.

Many consequences that worked in childhood are no longer valid after a few years of school. Many 8 year olds will laugh at you if you tell them to go to time out.

[JR]

Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

Oh snap now i have to write a letter to your father. Ask and you shall receive

[Parks]

His name is Bender Bending Rodriguez if you needed some help finding him.

[JR]

Oh i see the resemblance in behavior in you. Do you run on pure alcohol too?

[Ryen91]

Have him read the the bible everyday just a few chapters from a book let him know about jesus and how he died for our sins.... Once he finds christ things will get better cause then you can ask him whos team are we on...he will say jesus... you say would jesus do this.... and you go positive from there.....another thing to do is tell him that you make my life easy and dont make him think he is a burden on you... if you say you make my life easy it will eventually kick in.. it takes a child 3 years to coach them and for them to learn. Im just sayin.....If you are an athesist....welll I guesss part 1 wont work at all LOL

also give him respect when you give him respect he will give it back to you it is like instead of a 16 year old stealing the car and hoping he dont get caught giving him the keys and saying be back at a reasonable hour...you will typically get respect back for giving it


so give him "Big Responsebilitys" which does have to be big like folding laundry or whatever little task that he can help you or at least put an effort to help you. let him know it is a big responseibility and only a man could help you with it and when he puts an effort whether he does right or wrong as long as puts a genuine effort in it applaud for his efforts and tell him that you make my life easy.....brainwash that phrase into his brain for the next three years I promise you will see a change. remember it is not going to happen over night patience is key to this system

[veganray]

Atheist or not, "part 1" would work equally well (poorly) if you used Jesus, Satan, Santa Claus, Justin Bieber's girlfriend, or any other imaginary spook to be the little fella's "team captain".

[Parks]

Nah, he just needs his Thetans purged. I've found that much more effective than any book.